How am I feeling now? I'm feeling rather sad. I mean, I'm not sure exactly why. I love my life. Today was a great day at work--came out in the top five above rate. I love the people with whom I work, the people I talk to on the phone, even the survey I'm doing. I love my life. It's just hard because I want to share it all with Matt.

I miss him. I want him to tell me he loves me too. Sometimes, I think that if I feel this way I am being selfish---I am being unkind. It's the first time I feel like I cannot share all of my feelings with him, because it would not be good. I cannot burden him with my heavy load. He is not the man I must turn to anymore. I must turn to Christ. I suppose I need to learn how to do that ever so much more. I feel that while all I have ever wanted to do is to learn how to love and how to be loved, I am not doing very well at either. If I really loved Matt. then I wouldn't be sad...I wouldn't be jealous...I wouldn't want to rush him. But what about me sometimes? Perhaps it's always about me. His needs are more important that my needs. The Lord will sustain me. I know that these things are true. If he is not in the place where he needs to be, then of course it's more important to take care of those things. But I just love him so much. I have often felt that the reason why it's so hard for me to rely on Jesus is because I cannot feel His tender arms around me...like I did that one night (what seems like ever so long ago). If I try to express myself to Him, I just feel ashamed, inarticulate, and unable to get the words out. Who can I turn to? Half of my friends have problems of their own and the other half wouldn't understand. I don't know what to do about this and I feel so sad. I miss my love. I miss my love. I miss my love. He doesn't know how much I care about him. I need to be patient but I don't know how to be. Patience isn't just supposed to be about quietly waiting or getting upset all of the time. It's about helping myself...changing myself to meet the goal--to prepare for the goal I need. How can I prepare? Sometimes I feel like there is no point to the preparing thing if I can't share my life with someone now--if I can't save my life with someone ever. I should learn to be happy with myself--and for the most part, I am. But can I ever be truly happy without someone else? Can I ever be truly whole? I get tired of cooking dinner if it's just for myself. I'd rather just open up a lean cuisine. Leftovers are no fun if you just have yourself to share them with...you have to eat them all by yourself. I have a lot of friends, but I can't remember any at the moment. I have to figure something out tomorrow or else I'll go nuts! We have Sunday dinner tomorrow. Who's making it? I'll spend all my money and ruin everything. That is what I fear, that is how I'm afraid. It's so much better to work on goals with someone else. I wish I was this close to the Savior, but He's not here. Well, I called Ryan and that helped. I love him so much. One good thing about having gay friends is that you know that they love you and they aren't just doing that because they're supposed to be nice or cause they want romantically. Okay, I feel better now. Thank you Ryan Kerr. I know the Savior works through His children to tell me that He loves me. I know it's true. It's hard sometimes, and I still have a lot to learn, but I am happy now, and that's all there is to it. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.