Pues, yo siento mejor.

How am I feeling now? I'm feeling rather sad. I mean, I'm not sure exactly why. I love my life. Today was a great day at work--came out in the top five above rate. I love the people with whom I work, the people I talk to on the phone, even the survey I'm doing. I love my life. It's just hard because I want to share it all with Matt.

I miss him. I want him to tell me he loves me too. Sometimes, I think that if I feel this way I am being selfish---I am being unkind. It's the first time I feel like I cannot share all of my feelings with him, because it would not be good. I cannot burden him with my heavy load. He is not the man I must turn to anymore. I must turn to Christ. I suppose I need to learn how to do that ever so much more. I feel that while all I have ever wanted to do is to learn how to love and how to be loved, I am not doing very well at either. If I really loved Matt. then I wouldn't be sad...I wouldn't be jealous...I wouldn't want to rush him. But what about me sometimes? Perhaps it's always about me. His needs are more important that my needs. The Lord will sustain me. I know that these things are true. If he is not in the place where he needs to be, then of course it's more important to take care of those things. But I just love him so much. I have often felt that the reason why it's so hard for me to rely on Jesus is because I cannot feel His tender arms around me...like I did that one night (what seems like ever so long ago). If I try to express myself to Him, I just feel ashamed, inarticulate, and unable to get the words out. Who can I turn to? Half of my friends have problems of their own and the other half wouldn't understand. I don't know what to do about this and I feel so sad. I miss my love. I miss my love. I miss my love. He doesn't know how much I care about him. I need to be patient but I don't know how to be. Patience isn't just supposed to be about quietly waiting or getting upset all of the time. It's about helping myself...changing myself to meet the goal--to prepare for the goal I need. How can I prepare? Sometimes I feel like there is no point to the preparing thing if I can't share my life with someone now--if I can't save my life with someone ever. I should learn to be happy with myself--and for the most part, I am. But can I ever be truly happy without someone else? Can I ever be truly whole? I get tired of cooking dinner if it's just for myself. I'd rather just open up a lean cuisine. Leftovers are no fun if you just have yourself to share them with...you have to eat them all by yourself. I have a lot of friends, but I can't remember any at the moment. I have to figure something out tomorrow or else I'll go nuts! We have Sunday dinner tomorrow. Who's making it? I'll spend all my money and ruin everything. That is what I fear, that is how I'm afraid. It's so much better to work on goals with someone else. I wish I was this close to the Savior, but He's not here. Well, I called Ryan and that helped. I love him so much. One good thing about having gay friends is that you know that they love you and they aren't just doing that because they're supposed to be nice or cause they want romantically. Okay, I feel better now. Thank you Ryan Kerr. I know the Savior works through His children to tell me that He loves me. I know it's true. It's hard sometimes, and I still have a lot to learn, but I am happy now, and that's all there is to it. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

This is my stupid emo poem.

I keep it on my bed to write in forever.

I stain it with blue and maroon mascara tears,

And I wipe my nose in it occasionally.

I have stupid emo poems for my stupid emo thoughts.

If you read them, you'd think it's like William Faulkner, without an editor.

Where the sentences go on and on, and sometimes--they have punctuation in between.

They take on new meanings as I write them.

Starting out with one conceit and moving to another one.
Do you know where the poem went? Or how it got there?

Well, yea, neither do I, and I'm the writer.

They can be just about anything.

Couches and chairs to stupid things.

Remote controls and shoe-fly wings.

Rhyming is an ancient thing.

Though it's dumb to rhyme the same thing with thing.

I write because I cannot talk

About the difficult things that happen to me.

Not difficult--like traumatic or sad.

Just normal stuff that makes me mad.

Usually the emotion that gets in my way...

I must get it out 'fore I can start my day.

So thanks for reading my emo poem.

This really isn't one of those.

It's just some stuff that's an apology about all of my other emo poems.

The ones I never show anybody. Because I'm not really depressed.

I don't wear black eye-liner and blue lipstick.

I mean, I laugh during the day and stuff.

It's just sometimes, I'm sad, when I'm home alone at night and the t.v.'s not on.

My thoughts can wander to all sorts of crazy things that I try to forget and go to sleep

But they come back in the morning, so I write an emo poem, and don't show it to anybody.

When I woke up this morning, my pillow was stained blue.

Such a different color from the dyed leather red of that night.

When we sat on that couch.

It had been our first time on that couch--sitting on any couch together.

We ate ice cream and talked.

The chairs were so funny, I still remember.

Neon-clear plastic, with a silver stick basin.

They didn't even cover your low back.

Maybe I should have known by then,

if that's where we were starting.

Our love would only be a fad.

Nobody likes looking at those stupid neon chairs.

They are so ugly.

But, I guess, just how the restaurant thought they were popular,

A pretty sight,

So did we think that of ourselves.

You pointed that out not too long ago.

Not about the chairs, but about us.

Who cares about the public? About trends?

If we like the way we are together, then what's the problem?

You made it sound like it was everybody else's fault.

But I think it was just you.

You couldn't admit you didn't like those chairs.

Were they not good enough for you?

Not pretty enough?

Were their bottoms too wide?

Well, they held you up for a while there, kiddo.

They wanted to be your support.

They wanted you to relax.

They wanted to make you happy.

Now what's going to happen?

Where do the chairs have purpose if nobody wants to sit?

They'll just stay there--alone and cold.

Saddened and hardened by the cold-drawn wind.

Perhaps someone else will come and sit on them, yes...

But will he have your touch? Your laugh they love to hear?

Your smile that makes them so happy?

No. No they won't. And as much as they want to sit and be happy,

They won't be you. And the chairs can't get used to that.

They'll sit and they'll cry. But you can't see it

Because they'll be stone faced.

Then one day, when the fades have passed, and the managers have gone away,

Some new people will come and take those chairs.

They'll throw them away--those ugly, stupid chairs.

Whoever thought of those stupid chairs anyway?

They're so dumb. They didn't even cover all of your back.

They'll throw away the couch too. And the counters and the friends.

And the memories of talking about music and happiness.

They'll throw away the ice cream, and the toppings,

And all the the things that make people happy.

And they'll turn it into a box company where so can take all their stuff that they don't want and stick it in some box somewhere and pretend that it's of good use, but just stick it on the shelf, growing dust and mold and spider eggs.

And one day, nobody will come and throw the box away.

The Lord is merciful.

So, an update. My car is fixed. Thanks be to God and to my good friend Matthew Villamore. Wow. a home teacher who, when you ask him to do something, he goes beyond. My car had been broken, he fixed it, a really minor thing, the battery corrosion issue from the clamp not being tight enough. Then it broke down again. Gratefully it was a Tuesday, and I didn't need to get to work to pick up Christopher. But, I did have to go to the airport to pick up Deanna Hall and meet her for Mary Kay. So, Lisa's using mom's car and she picks up mom from work, then picks me up, but it takes like a fre hour. I know I don't have time to get to Long Beach by five after dropping off mom, changing, dropping off Lisa and the kids, and fighting rush hour traffic on the 405 southbound. So I'm saying silent prayers, but really knowing that things will be all right. The Lord is really sustaining me in this Mary Kay business. This is not homeopathy. It is faith that really works. Anyway, and idea comes to mind to ask if Chris can pick them up. Lisa says, (it was 4:00) that Chris was leaving right then, and that he wouldn't answer his cell phone. I say just to try it, and he said that he totally would. Yay. Now I just have to get dressed and fight traffic. I can't remember if I actually shower or not, but I know I need to put on make-up in order to do a Mary Kay thing. My stockings are too small so they pretend to fall off, but really I'm good to go. And get this, I get to the airport (barely any traffic) five minutes after the plane lands, and Caroline is waiting there, two minutes before.

We have a great dinner. Deanna doesn't want to join the company at this time, but it was good to see how the Lord works with us. In fact, perhaps she'll move in with my mom and get a job somewhere at the marine acquarium institute or something. Plus, I got to take her home and see Shane and the kids. It was a real eye-opener for me because I saw how great they were having and loving each other. He was doing algebra with Nephi--a seven year old genius--and really happy. I asked them each how they do it, and Shane said something really surprising: "Well, I wouldn't be in grad school if it weren't for Sarah and the kids." (What? I thought, puzzled. Usually think it's the other way around, like, they can't do school and kids at the same time.) But he said "no, they give me so much support, I really feel like I can do it." Wow, how incredible! Then Sarah said the same type of thing. She said, "Once I had Nephi, he gave my life so much meaning. I actually started getting A's whereas before I didn't really care about anything." I feel like my Heavenly Father wanted me to see that so that I could know, not just on faith, but also as evidence of how His plan really works out better for all of us. He just doesn't want us to bring in spirits to get bodies, but He also wants us to experience this joy--the only real success in life. Driving home from that experience really filled me with so much contentment and bliss. Not that I'm baby crazy or anything, but just the assurance that this really is for me, and what will make me truly happy in life.

Lo que yo aprendi

So, today in my scripture study, Alma 43, I learned so much stuff. The reason I need to continuously have a scripture study is because it just fills me up happiness. Alma 44, thre's a war going on, but what does Moroni (the protaganist, and chief captain of the Nephite armies) think about? That which is most important.

The covenants that they have made with God are truly imbedded in him. He says in verse 3: Y ya veis que no podeis destruir esta, nuestra fe." Si, aunque ellos pueden matar a la gente, no puede destruir su fe. Si. Es muy fuerte. Me recuerda de la Hermana Redd cuando ella descubrio que, despues de todos sus problemas y depresiones, que nunca destruyo su testimonio. Su fe es interremundable. Por eso, encontro nueva fuerza en su convicciones de seguir adelante. Tambien, yo creo que, gacias a Dios, so asi. Yo tengo tiempos dificiles, pero, no puedo olvidar las mericordias sencillos de mi Dios amante. Nunca puedo negar mi fe.

Tambien, nunca queiro a negar mi fe tampoco, porque, aqui son las bendiciones para me, de mi Grande Dios, si no nunca niego mi fe:

"Veis ahora que esta es la verdadera fe de Dios; si, veis que Dios nos sostendra y guardara y preservara mientras le seamos fieles a el, a nueta fe y a nuestra religion; y nunca permitira el Senor que seamos destruidos, a no ser que caigamos en transgresion y neguemos nuestra fe."

Pues, El me sostendra, guardara y preservara. El me ama mucho.

La ultima, y clamarmente la que me llena mi corazon, es este pequeno pasaje por Moroni. El sice que ellos estan luchando por sus familias, tierras, etc. Pero, menciona tambien "la conservacion de la sagrada palabra de Dios, a la que debemos toda nuestra felicidad . . . "

Recientemente, yo he estado extramadamente feliz, y siempre exclamo que yo no entiendo la causa completamente, aunque es Gracias a Dios. Pero, esta parte me responda a la pregunta. Dice que es debido a la palabra de Dios, toda mi felicidad. Por eso, si yo no estoy feliz, yo debo intentar de leer, confiar en y seguir su palabra mas.

Gracias otra vez, O Mi Senor Amado, para todas las bendiciones en mi vida, y que me has dado la capacidad de alcanzar todos mis deseos mas intensos.

Con mucho amor,

Sarita